A Ghost and a Poltergeist Prank Hogwarts
by TellatrixForever
Summary: Summary: Peeves and Myrtle team up and rain down chaos upon Hogwarts. Written for the Teachers' Lounge CRACKFEST '13 for lightblue-Nymphadora and weregrrl.
1. Chapter 1

**A Ghost and a Poltergeist Prank Hogwarts**

**Summary: Peeves and Myrtle team up and rain down chaos upon Hogwarts. Written for the Teachers' Lounge CRACKFEST '13 for lightblue-Nymphadora and weregrrl.**

**I own nothing. And please don't take this seriously.**

**Shout-out to my friend, Chickenscrews, without whom I could not have pulled this off.**

"I assume you both know why you have been called here today?" asked Professor Dumbledore as he stared at the two in his office from behind the manila folder in his hands, which had been incredibly sore after having to write up the incident report.

"Yes, your Headship, Sir." replied Peeves in that oily voice his, before picking his nose while Moaning Myrtle tried hiding her pleasure behind her hands, covering her mouth. It did not work, as her giggles still came out.

Albus sighed and gazed up at the ceiling.

"Then let's go over it, shall we?"

Peeves took in a breath as Albus adjusted his spectacles. This was going to be fun.

"Well…"

* * *

Peeves made his way down the hallway while blowing into the stolen trumpet. On his back was a tote bag that Fred and George had sent him, magically enchanted to hold anything.

He took a break from blowing the horn and smiled. It was perfect! In all these years, what had he been missing out on? How dare Filch hide this from him!

Punish him, he would. Yes. That would be what he did. But first, he had another issue to take care of. And it involved a certain Moaning Ghost in the Girl's Bathroom and the Giant Dung Bomb in his bag.

Taking in another breath, he resumed his trumpet blowing and kicked down the door of the bathroom. Carefully placing the instrument on the floor, he took in a deep breath.

"OH MOPEY! PACKAGE FOR YOU!"

Suddenly, as if the Heavens had opened up, three tons of fish heads and guts rained down on top of Peeves, completely burying him. All was quiet for a moment, maybe two, when Peeves burst from the garbage like a bat out of Hell.

Then Moaning Myrtle quickly rushed over to him and honked his nose like a clown, and yelled back "GOT YOUR CONK, PEEVES!"

As she started flying around like the madwoman she was, Peeves regained his composure and yelled back, "EAT DUNG MOPEY!" before throwing the three ton dung ball at the ghost, who promptly dodged it and stuck out her tongue in utter mockery of the Poltergeist.

* * *

"Wait a minute. THAT'S where all the fish heads and guts in my vault went to?!" demanded Albus as he gave an incredulous stare at the two.

"Why Yes, Professor. Why?" asked Myrtle, in sort of a sing song voice, causing Albus to face palm himself and stare at the Heavens again as if wondering "Why Me?"

"And Professor Headship, why did you have three tons of fish heads and guts in your Vault?" asked Peeves, his curiosity peeked.

Albus shook himself out of it and replied, "Not important. Continue."

Peeves smirked to himself again. He would get to the bottom of this no matter what.

* * *

As Myrtle continued sticking her tongue out at Peeves, he realized something. Something that he hadn't felt since Fred and George had left Hogwarts. A sense of respect for a fellow Prankster that was worthy.

Peeves then cleared his throat and said, "Mopey…THAT WAS FREAKING AWESOME!"

"Oh?" If Myrtle was capable of blushing, she'd have a face as red as Ron Weasley's Hair right now.

"Yes. It was. And now I have a proposal for you." Peeves' wicked mind started forming a plan now. An awful plan. A truly wicked, awful plan.

Myrtle smirked at his statement. "Now what would that be?"

10 minutes later

Severus Snape sat still in his office, focused completely on grading dunderhead potions and essays. Really, he was going to have to assign them MUCH more difficult potions if he hoped to succeed at failing each and everyone of his students.

Suddenly, the door slammed open and shut in less than a second. This caused the Greasy Haired Potions Master to jerk his head up and scan the room. Nothing.

"Well…That was strange." he said to himself before resuming his grading.

Suddenly the cabinets started crashing down and various potions (Some legal, some not) started exploding, causing chaos and discord and even starting a small fire.

"PEEVES! I WILL KI…" he roared before some unknown force decided to sit down on top of his shoulders and start yanking on his hair.

After ten excruciating minutes of feeling like his head was being torn from his body, the entity let go and both Peeves and Moaning Myrtle became visible and flew out like the speed of light out his door.

Snape shook his head and conjured a mirror, to see what the two had done. As he held it up to his face, he looked on in horror as he saw that they had permanently transfigured his hair into a spiked Mohawk colored in pink, red and yellow.

As he started hyperventilating, he let out a mighty, inhuman roar that echoed throughout the entire castle.

-Many Miles Away-

Lord Voldemort was lounging in his easy chair, enjoying a glass of wine with his most faithful servants, Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange.

Suddenly, the glasses shattered and the wine spilled onto their robes. Voldemort stared out into the distance, in sort of a trance.

"My Lord, what is it?" asked Rodolphus, concerned.

Voldemort said in a cold, smooth voice, ""I sense a great disturbance in the Force...it pleases me."


	2. Chapter 2

"How do you know that Voldemort said that?" interrupted Albus one more time.

"I read his mind." replied Myrtle, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"But ghosts can't read minds." Albus pointed out, before Peeves interrupted again.

"Professor when are you going to tell us why you keep dead fish in your vault?"

Dumbledore face-palmed himself. He himself had never hated anyone in his whole life, except for Voldemort. But now, Peeves was trying his best to correct that apparent issue.

"And I've told you, Peeves, that it is not important."

But really, he couldn't just simply tell them what his plan for those fish involved and certainly he couldn't tell them WHERE he had gotten them from! He would never live it down!

Then again, Cthulhu always was a lousy poker player. And they HAD been an acceptable replacement for cash, at least in his mind.

"COME ON! WE WANT TO KNOW!" yelled out Myrtle before the guards in the office started arguing with Peeves after Peeves blew his nose at them, covering them in slime.

Soon, everyone was shouting, kicking, cursing, punching and spitting at everyone within range. Albus was getting a headache fast. He looked to his precious Lemon Drop container for comfort but to his frustration and dismay, he realized that he was out. This would not do.

He got up and starting going through all the cabinets in the room, no one noticing the Aged Professor sweating bullets and getting redder in the face by the moment as he realized that he had not a single Lemon Drop left.

He started hyperventilating and finally let it all out.

"SILENCE!"

As the words left his mouth, all the glass in the room broke and his voice carried on for many miles. As he shook with rage he saw that everyone was hiding behind his desk, cowering in fear.

He calmed himself down and said, "I apologize for my…slight outburst. Now please, continue."

* * *

"HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT TOAD?!" yelled out Peeves as he and Myrtle chased ones Dolores Umbridge around the Ministry of Magic, banging pots and pans in her ears as she barely managed to stay ahead of them.

"I WILL HAVE ORDER!" she yelled back before Myrtle, seeing an opening, flung a pot at her, knocking her to the ground before they hung her from the highest light they could find before beginning to draw on her with permanent ink.

When they were finished, the Toad looked like a cave of ancient symbols, of various shapes and sizes, including several choice words and phrases that probably were not for mixed company, before they flew back to Hogwarts to continue their reign of terror.

-15 Minutes Later-

As Peeves and Myrtle returned to the Castle, Peeves held his fist up, ordering her to stop. He just had another wicked plan. And he had been waiting for the right moment to try it out.

"Stand back Myrtle." he warned before he began chanting in an ancient language. As he did so, the clouds began to darken, rain began to pour, and hellfire rose from the ground.

"RISE MY MINIONS! ARISE AND LET US STORM THE CASTLE!"

As the ancient Poltergeist shouted those words, the Earth below them began to break open and out of the depths crawled the minions Peeves had long ago been given after Pranking the Reaper himself and winning.

"Peeves… What are those?" asked Myrtle as she gazed in awe of the demonic beings with 3 horns, 18 eyes and Walrus Mustaches of Doom.

"Hmm. I've never named them before." replied Peeves, before he sat down ontop of one of them and started thinking. A light blub lit above his head and he had it. Without a moment of hesitation he stood up, acted like a General and pointed at the castle.

"MUSTACHE MINIONS! ATTACK!"


	3. Chapter 3

The Mustache Minions broke down the Castle doors in no time and started running amuck through the court yard.

Peeves smiled in sadistic pleasure as the students ran for their lives to no avail, as the Mustache Minions could run up to 50 miles an hour, had skin that could deflect a Killing Curse, and apparate at will.

"Well Mopey, what do you think?"

Myrtle placed her chin on her right hand for a minute, thinking it over, before she had an idea.

"It's nice Peeves, but I have a better idea."

With a snap of her fingers, the Earth broke apart again and dark haired, pale form rose from the depths of Hell.

"MORGAN LE-FAY! YOU SHALL OBEY MY COMMANDS!" Myrtle yelled out, the Ghost understanding. With that, Myrtle floated away, with Le-Fay right behind her, leaving Peeves to his own devices.

* * *

"DIE! DIE!" yelled out Mad-Eye Moody as a Mustache Minion closed in on him, with Moody casting curse after curse onto it, but to no avail, as the skin bounced off them, destroying random objects in the Defense Against The Dark Arts classroom.

Realizing that his wand was doing nothing, his Magical Eye darted all around the room, looking for something, anything, to fight it off, before it came to rest on one particular item he had found in his travels.

"COME GET SOME!" He yelled out as he grabbed the Katana from off the wall and unsheathed it, before dashing forward. He gained the Katana from his studies at a Dojo when he had become a Master Swordsman.

Before he could make any cuts, however, another Mustache Minion came from outside through the window and football tackled Moody, before tearing the sword from his hands and swallowing it whole.

* * *

"OH HELL NO! NOT IN MY CLASSROOM!" yelled out Professor Binns as the Mustache Minions entered the room. With that, he pulled out a detonator.

"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME!" he yelled out before pressing the button, causing half the room to explode and crumble down on top of the Minions.

As the Ghost began laughing in triumph, the Minions emerged from the rubble, and threw their secret weapon: The Mustache Grenade, a grenade capable of inducing Walrus Mustaches in anyone and then turning them purple.

* * *

"HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?!" demanded Myrtle as Morgan Le-Fay trashed the Slytherin Common Room, the Slytherins running for their lives.

But alas, it was to no avail, as the Mustache Minions had already broken in as well and rounded them all up after putting their Grenades to good use.

* * *

Peeves' Mustache Minions ran amuck throughout the castle, breaking things at will, throwing mustache bombs and mustache grenades at everyone they saw and even managed to get a few blows in on Mrs. Norris before Filch appeared.

"MY CAT!" he yelled out in sort of a barbaric tone before unsheathing the Sword of Gryffindor and charging the Mustache Minions. But try as he did, as brave and valiant as it was, they soon overwhelmed him and his cat.

* * *

Peeves, in the meantime, had somehow gotten his hands on a rocket launcher and was on his way to blow Gryffindor Tower to smithereens for the Hell of it.

As he rounded the corner, who should he come to face, but Harry Potter himself, armed with a sword that Peeves had no idea where he had gotten it from, except that it looked razor sharp and that Harry had a look of determination on his face.

Peeves smirked and asked, "Let me guess, Potter, you're going to try and stop me, right? Like yell out that I shall not pass?"

Harry smirked back. "How'd you know?"

Without a warning Peeves suddenly was in Harry's face and before Harry could react, he punched his lights out.

* * *

As the students and teachers alike wore Walrus Mustaches and Purple Skin, as well as various horns and spines that had sprouted from their bodies, Peeves and Myrtle hovered above them, laughing in sadistic glee as they struggled to get free of the Minions that were holding them down.

"So what shall we do with them, Peeves?" asked Myrtle, finally calming down enough to stop laughing. Peeves then sat down on top of one of his many Demons again to try and think of something.

After nearly five hours, he had reached full Poltergeist Zen and had come up with an idea.

With a smile on his face, he hovered high again and cleared his throat.

"THROW THEM INTO THE LAKE OF DEATH!" came in an inhuman tone, with his right arm pointing in the direction of the Black Lake.

* * *

"You know what?" finally demanded one Albus Dumbledore as he stood up from his desk, tranquil fury fuming off him, as well as his wand in his hand. "I am not even going to go over WHAT you did to the Giant Squid, OR what you did to Azkaban Prison."

As Peeves and Myrtle smirked at him, smugness filled their eyes, as well as glee.

"Give me one good reason why I should not throw you both out of Hogwarts myself."

"Because, Professor Headship, if you do, I will reveal your dirty little secret."

Albus' eyes bugged out as Peeves continued.

"You see Albus; I've been reading your mind the whole time. I know full well that you intend to use those Dead Fish as Bait to lure Fluffy the Three Headed Dog into overthrowing the Goblin Tax-Collectors and evade taxes for the rest of your life. If you throw us out, I am going to tell the whole World about it."

As everyone in attendance gasped in shock, Albus sank into his chair, cheeks blushing like mad.

"Tell me, Peeves and Myrtle, what do you want?"

Peeves looked to Myrtle and they both nodded their heads.

-1 Hour Later-

"WE'RE BACK BABY!" yelled out Peeves before he and Myrtle both burst into the Great Hall and started blowing their brand new, straight from the factory, Golden Trumpets that Albus had procured them in exchange for them keeping their mouths shut.

Luna stared from her table, with a dreamy look on her face, before saying, "That's just wrong."

**_Fin. _**


End file.
